:: Stupid, Bodoh, Ben-dan, Chun-Choi!::

Have you ever categorize yourself into “Stupid” category at a point of time?
Have you ever felt people staring at you and says “Yeeeee, you see him/her, so stupid!!!”
Have you ever lost the confidence that you think you had all the while in yourself?
Have you thought that you know something, but you don’t in actual?

Frankly, I’m feeling it now. Maybe not to put myself fully in “Stupid” circle, but I started to lose the direction of my life, of my career and seems it cascade to everything.

Let’s started it off with my career. I have joined this company for almost 2 years. I thought I’m senior enough to at least handle any issues upon the leaving of Kah Wai few weeks back. But I’m not. I started to felt stressed or frustrated with the work on my hand. I use few days to figure out something, I use a lot of times to figure out how should I get this few columns of data from multiples tables. I am so stupid~

Continue with the new-peers who joined me since the last few months. All of them are handling specific programming exploration. This mean they ONLY handle one task at a time, only one item in their brain when they start their work at 8am and same things lingering in their brain when the clock ticking to 5pm. They are discussing with each other on how it should work and they are discussing it happily. Maybe they know what they are doing.. While me struggling alone figuring how this should works and somehow always stuck there. I am so stupid~

Continue with the job searching (potential 2nd job). I was given a test to do before proceed with further discussion or any confirmation with the job. It is a programming test, where I was asked to design database, design screen, design report and code. By reading the question, I should know how to do. I think I know I can, based on my academic capabilities and my confidence in doing it. But, it doesn’t turn out to be what I think I can. My programming skill was so naïve, so childish, so sucks! Logically, my programming skills got rusty based on my current job scope. I only support, but not programming. I only enhance but not developing. I only reply email, and not creating program to send email. I am so stupid~

Continue with financial status. My saving remains at the same figure for few months already due to some over-budget usage, and due to some exceptional expenses such as medical insurance for mom and myself. And I think I use credit-card quite frequent this few months. A bad sign or early symptom for being tied by LEGAL-AH-LONG forever . (bank as the creditor). I promised myself not to use credit card, use it only when necessary but I failed. I’m so stupid~

Continue with my life. I bet if I would like to write, it will take me 3 days and 3 nights to finish in explaining how stupid my life will be. But I think I will keep it short and summarize it in maybe 1 minute? WTF~~ I don’t know what I should do to move on. I started to lose all the confidence on myself. I used to be someone who so confidence of my capabilities. I have high expectation on myself. I will set very high target in my exam. I want to achieve HD (High Distinction) or at least Distinction (D). I will cry and wet my pillow if I failed to do so. Thankfully, I did well in my academics, everyone envy of me for doing well in academic. But, am I well now? I don’t know. And I don’t think I am now.

I don’t know whether I should remain with this company? I will become “handicap IT personnel” if to continue with this company, where I will lose all my programming skills. Should I go and take MASTER to gain back the confidence that actually I’m still capable (in academic at least)? Should I take professional certificate to develop my programming skills to ensure I won’t be left behind? I don’t know… I really don’t know.